In a state of thixotropy

There is definitely something to be said about the ridiculous amount of money that I spend in tuition at school. Mostly that I get some medical care for free as part of that cost. The second is that they offer some psychological help when needed.

Today I ditched most of my classes to go talk to someone. It takes a lot to admit that you’re losing control. It takes a lot to know that only someone else can tell you how to regain some of that control.

So today, I sought help.

We’ll see how it turns out, but for now… I’m going to have to trudge through and hope that on those bad days, no one I care about or love is in the way. Because it seems that little voice in your head that talks you down from yelling at neighbor kids, or screaming obscenities at someone can be diminished. Stress, lack of sleep, exhaustion and frusration can make that little voice dormant.

I haven’t been a pleasant person to be around the last few weeks. I don’t like it.

So for the last week or so, I’ve been playing around with the Genius feature on iTunes. I love the idea. It’s actually not quite as bad as people think. I personally like that it gives a little bit of variety. It also allows me to pick a particular song that I know I want to hear as the first one, and it picks other songs to go with it. Yay! Spares me the hassle of having to create playlists, considering I will often just make a playlist of one song and listen to it over and over again.

Because of Genius I’ve heard some new songs that I would never have otherwise noticed. I have 3,000+ songs on my ipod currently, and I know how I am with regard to music. I’ve enjoyed most of the playlists that Genius has created.

What I would like to see with the Genius feature though, are a handful of things.

1. Give me the ability to remove a single song, and have Genius replace it. I’d like to keep hte 25 or 50 songs, but sometimes, I just want one or three to be different. Currently, I have to either refresh the whole playlist (and hope that the songs I liked remain) or just remove them entirely, and shortening the playlist altogether.

2. Let me make it a “non Genius” playlist, so that I don’t accidently hit refresh (or someone else hits refresh for me) only to have me lose the playlist that existed, and have it replaced with a playlist I wasn’t expecting.

3. Mostly, just let me remove a song and have it replaced.

Okay, that’s my rant. I’m done now. And it’s time for sleep!

What I’d like to be doing right now is enjoying the new episode of House that I still haven’t seen. What I would like to be doing is sleeping, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen. And on top of that, I’d like to sleep and NOT have to wake up in the morning and go to work, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen.

That’s just not going to happen, so I’ll stop complaining.

Let’s talk about school for a minute though. Let’s talk about how much of a work load I’ve got and I’m attempting to stay ahead of the game, and while I’m not behind, I’m not caught up or on par either. It’s driving me absolutely batty, but I know that if I don’t at least try for all A’s, then my chances of bringing my GPA up high enough to even be considered for grad school are out the window.

I’m going to have to figure out this whole money situation as well. I’m not hurting, not yet. I’m working on trying to maintain this positive attitude with regard to getting stuff paid off, and all this other nonsense. I mean. I’m slightly ahead of the game right now, but it’s still kind of disheartening to see how little money I have stashed into savings for the remainder of the semester. I just have to remember that I do get another check for financial aid as the semester progresses, so I’m not completely screwed. Not completely.

The world as I know it has ceased to be. My boyfriend (with whom I’m quite happy with) has ceased to actually be a boyfriend since school has started. We maintain this distance while we’re at school, which is actually okay… but this distance has overflowed into the weekend… and I’m starting to miss my actual boyfriend, rather than my classmate (whom I get to see often). It’s very hard to explain without it coming across as rather childish and, well, high school-y. But I promise it makes perfect sense in my head.

My favorite class of the semester is definitely American Sign Language 1. Somewhere inside of me, this class has awoken this weird desire. I mean, I actually love the class. I haven’t loved any class in a long time. It’s not because it’s easy, or unchallenging. It’s just so unbelievably different, and I feel as though I’m accomplishing something.

All the psych classes make me feel like I’m relearning all the same shit. Over, and over, and over, and over again… ad nauseum. It’s really sad. I’ve heard multiple concepts be introduced in class, and I can’t keep track of which instructor/professor was the first one to talk about it… It’s like they’ve all gathered together just to confuse the shit out of me.

I’m on sensory overload. My class load is too much, I realize this now. But my determination to not be at Sac State for a 5th semester is keeping me going. I’m just tired. Tired all the time.

I’ve forgotten to write. Because almost all of my waking free time is spent with some stupid text book in front of my face. This weekend? I have 3 papers to write. Nothing big… none of them so intense that I couldn’t do them all in a single day. Each of them so entirely different from the others that I might just have to take an hour break in between to prepare my brain for the shifting of gears.

How the HELL am I going to do next semester with 18 units, when I can hardly function this semester with 16. *sigh* No clue. I’ll figure it all out though. Eventually.

For now, I’m heading to bed… somewhat earlier than normal.

P.S. My now fixed cat, after being depressed for 5-6 days is finally acting normal again (thank goodness). Her little doped up face made me cry, on a number of occasions as I felt the effects of my selfishness and inability to deal with her in heat… and it took it’s toll. I’ve always had fixed animals, and I don’t know if I can handle going through that again. She’s eating well again, and has gained some weight back. She’s jumping playing and acting normal. Yay. I missed my love muffin. ha!

So, basically here’s the deal. If you saw some weird page, for the two of you who come here to read, I’m sorry. When I log into the WP admin control panel thingie, I get this “UPGRADE NOW” message. I upgraded via Dreamhost, as I always do, and suddenly, everything is gone. It’s a completely new install. WTFF! (What the flying fuck, for those not in the know). I mean, here’s the automatically generated password for the first admin login, and what do you want to call the blog you’ve had for the last 7 months, but are now redoing because something got fucked up.

Yeah, I prayed and HOPED that Dreamhost could fix my epic failure attempt at upgrading.

So as I look and see this pink line across the top of my screen I want to flip it off and yell “FUCK YOU SQUIRREL!” to the Upgrade message. I’m terrified to do it again. TERRIFIED. Can I stress this a little bit more… I mean, unbelivably, unequivacably scared out of my fuckin’ mind of losing my blog… again. It’s not that I have all these great entries. Or that I have the most amazing layout known to man. But it’s mine and I want it.

So I’m SUPER happy that Dreamhost was able to fix it. And I’m super happy that I was so busy for the last couple of week that I hadn’t updated, there were no new comments or anything of the sort, because it gave that poor guy who got my email a chance to pull up a working back up and fix what the wordpress upgrade screwed up.

Wanna know what’s funny? I went to WP, to see if other people had issues. I wasn’t the only one. It may not have gone the same, but people were losing the ability to login with their admin passwords, and things just weren’t right. Fuck that stupid pink bar, I’ll leave it there until the next one comes out.

BTW, my favorite class is EDS 151 - American Sign Language 1. My least favorite class is everything else.

So the boy bought me this wonderful stash of candy goodness… avoiding chocolate (and while I love chocolate like the next guy, he knows I’m much more a sugar person having a strange affinity for gummy candies especially). He also bought me this insane stash of book. Not just any books. But books he’s seen me wander around the bookstore with, desperately wanting to buy, but always putting it back because it’s just out of my price range for the minute.

He also got me this framed watercolor painting that his roommate did. He remembered the first time I saw all of Garnier’s paintings, how much I said I loved this one in particular. So he bought it for me. It’s being hung immediately when I get home. That to me, beyond the books and candy, means a whole lot. A whole lot.

I’ve quite thoroughly enjoyed having internet and being able to use my blazing fast computer again. How much I’ve missed having internet at home. That will definitely be one of the FIRST things I reestablish the second I get some money. The first.

There are some new pictures on Flickr. If I weren’t in a hurry, I’d add them to the post. Maybe later.

The infamous birthday is less than 24 hours away. It’s the birthday that is supposed to end all birthdays, right? I mean, I’m hitting the big three-oh! It’s this monumental life event. Although besides the birthday bash, nothing exciting is happening. There are no other life-altering events going on.

I mean, this is one of those traumatizing events though, for most women. I’m told I don’t look my age, and while flattering, doesn’t do any good for the physical parts of me that cannot seem to function quite the same way. If I could manage to get myself into a gym and tone up some of the slightly flabby bits, I might be able to work on transforming the body just a little bit, and helping keep my “youthful appearances.”

On the whole, I don’t really care that much. It’s a big event though. In a year I’ll have graduated with a degree (finally). The boy and I are planning on moving in together in Chico, where it has an almost “other world” feel to it. It’s surprising only because I hate Yuba City… hate hate hate hate hate it. I hate the guy I rent my apartment from (because he’s a douche bag). I hate how the city was planned poorly, and the “old boys” who run the place refuse to allow changes to make things… better.

Regardless. I will be moving… no matter what. I will be making some necessary changes in my life in order for things to be better. I need better. I’m so tired of struggling, and barely getting by. I think a little bit of comfort would be nice. I’m hoping 30 brings that… eventually.

I guess it’s time to face the music and… *gasp* grow up.

1. Go to IMDB.com and look up 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Post three official IMDB “Plot Keywords” for each.
3. Hey guys, guess the movies!

1. End Of The World / Destiny / Change History Donnie Darko (Kappadarappa)
2. Child Hero / Family Secret / Secret Society (a combination of movies) Harry Potter Series (Lisana)
3. Hawaii / Monster / Indestructible Lilo and Stitch (Lisana)
4. Gang / Landlady / Axe Kung Fu Hustle (Kap)
5. Apartment Building / Love Triangle / Letter Writing Try Seventeen (me)
6. Forbidden Love / Boom Box / High School Say Anything (Kappadarappa)
7. 1930’s / High Society / Employer Employee Relationship (Was made in the 30’s) My Man Godfrey (me)
8. New York / Cow / Friendship Someone Like You (me)
9. Spanish Civil War / Mythical / Maze Pan’s Labyrinth (Kap and Lisana)
10. Revenge / Assassin / Dystopic Future V for Vendetta (Kap)

If you want hints, I’ll gladly give them… well, within reason. Of course like my friend said in her post, to me these seem really obvious, but I’m guessing that won’t be the case for everyone else…

For those who know me better than others, they are not in any particular order. They were just movies I thought of as time went on. Second, there are some pretty obscure movies too. No named ones that not many people will know off the top of their head. Good luck though! I’m curious to see how this turns out.

Me to The Boy
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 4:52pm
“Baby. Baby. Baby. *pokes you in the arm* Baby. Baby. *tries to annoy you* Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. *kisses you on the cheek and runs off*

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 5:49pm
“You’re so cute. I’ll call you soon”

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 21, 2008 @ 4:06am
“Baby! (Pokes you in the shoulder) I hate to wake you (gives you a little wink) I wanted to tell you something (smile)… I just Love the shit out of you. :)”

Seriously… So damn cute. I got that last one when I woke up in the morning. *sigh*

I spent a pretty decent amount of time after getting home looking over some old OpenDiary entries. I read through a lot of them, as they were from 2001. It was a difficult year for me, filled with love, pain, loss of my job, disappointment, desperation and a plethora of other emotions I can’t even begin to convey in words.

While I read it seemed like I was reading a story someone wrote and told me it was my life. I guess that’s the point of journaling, for that opportunity later in life, when you’re not even remotely the same person anymore, when you can look back and read it all and laugh at yourself (and others of course!).

As I read through some of the relationship-y bits, it made me that much more appreciative for the way things have been going with the boy. I’m so very happy because of him, and with him. We all have bad days… sure. But he makes so many of them better by simply being… him.

Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.